Gone.

Right now, I’m sitting at the Chiang Mai airport. My suitcases were 10 kilos over the weight limit, which makes me SO thankful that they forgot to weigh my luggage on the trip here (with the laptops and pens!). I tried taking out things but just stood there silently strategizing when I realized I couldn’t carry on 10 kilos of clothing. So she just let me go. Thankfully.

Then the guy at customs kept asking me all these questions. “So are you here by yourself? Where is your family?” I went to the bathroom afterwards, looked in the mirror, and saw that I had my arms full of friendship bracelets and had a flowery white sparkly plastic cross around my neck. The customs officer probably thought I was too young to be traveling by myself. Oh well!

So I’m sitting here. Relaxed. Exhausted. In a way, I was looking forward to today because of the ant situation, missing “comfort”, and excitement for what’s next. But I’m not feeling relief or any sort of excitement. Instead, I’m beyond sad.

I keep telling myself that we’re never meant to be comfortable.

I was never 100% physically comfortable this past month, and now I have discomfort in my heart.

This morning, as the kids left for school, I noticed Piraporn missing from the line. He came down later, crying. Aww. As the kids made their trek to school, sadness was everywhere. And I walked with Somsi and Waraporn down the path and stopped right before they had to jump the fence. More tears. Sobs. And this time, I was crying too. I kept my arms around them for a long while, whispering over & over in Thai & Karen, “I’ll miss you. I love you.” It was so sad watching them walk off to school. So sad.

Right before I left, Don and Kay laid hands on me and prayed a wonderful prayer. Such sweet people, wow. And I talked to Tete the whole entire drive down to Chiang Mai. Even after her husband dropped us off at the airport, we spent a good 45 minutes talking in the middle of the check-in area. Our own special time. There could’ve been a tornado swirling around and we wouldn’t have noticed. Just one last heart-to-heart in person…til next time! I still can’t imagine receiving an email from a random person (well, we have a few mutual friends, but still!) and allowing her to stay with you for a month. But she’s just that kind of person.

I sometimes wonder what the children think about “America”. Do they think America is some sort of paradise where I’ll go and forget them? Some of the high schoolers told me that they were going to America with me. Haha. And I wish they could! I hope they know I won’t forget them. That I love them more and more every day. That they’re here with me. They are everywhere I am because they’re in every prayer of mine. And they’re in this heart that they poured love into and watered until it overflowed. I can’t wait to see them again.